I've Been S(h)aved.

When I was in the Hamptons this summer (always a great opener...) I was watching TV (not a great follower) and there was this kind of "come on down, look at this, how the hell can you live without this?" advert for a product called "Save-A-Blade." This is a contraption that sharpens your razor blades so you save 1000s of dollars on the cost of replacing the blades when they get dull. Brilliant. Those suckers cost a fortune as evidenced by the fact that they are kept behind glass at most drugstores.

Now I may have been out in the Hamptons, but I was there because I had no job to go to. "Save-A-Blade" may just be the answer to my prayers. If I saved 1000s of dollars on razor blades I could go to the opera, buy more produce, throw more dinner parties and get a personal trainer. Who needs employment right away when you have "Save-A-Blade"? That was my thinking.


I had been down this path before, meaning getting seduced by the huckster on TV, but I have never been able to reap the rewards because I didn't call. I am still smarting from not listening to Christie Brinkley years ago with some teeth whitening product she was flogging on television. All those stained years when I could have been in a relationship and driving a Ferrari instead of covering my mouth and ducking into doorways.


NOT THIS TIME, MAN! I am dialing. As I got up from my chair, I heard the "But WAIT!" part of the pitch. "Save-A-Blade" normally cost 10 million dollars, but if you dial RIGHT NOW, it will be only $19.99. I quickly did the math. That was a $9, 999,980.01 savings. I got my credit card out when I heard the "AND...." And, I could get AB-SO-LUTELY FREEEEE a whole big ass personal hygiene nail clippery, filey, scissory kit for nothing. Nothing will buy you at least a time share somewhere, no? The savings were staggering. I would not have to find work for a year at this rate. What fool would stay in his chair now?



I spent the next 37 minutes on the phone with a recorded voice entering all sorts of personal info to some company called Exceptional Products in Texas. No doubt some right wing conspiracy front. Soon my parents' bodies will be exhumed and my siblings hauled off to jail so I can have some extra green.


To get my FREE personal hygiene kit I would have to pay almost what is cost for the "Save-A-Blade" in shipping, but I was already millions of dollars in the black. What the hay. So for a total of $33.89 I would be the proud owner of more shit in my life. Yay.



I had come back from the Hamptons, been to events, started dating, job interviews, got a freelance job, had my first Zumba class, and had consumed loads of dollars in expensive 5 bladed blades that made my face as smooth as a baby's behind [whose one parent was descended from a piece of sandpaper -I am a terrible shaver.] and had forgotten all about this gizmo of glory.


It arrived today. All the way from China via Texas (enter conspiracy theory here.) I am delighted even though I have not yet tried it. I will be able to put a down payment on an apartment soon I can feel it. In my face I can feel it. And the personal hygiene kit has more brushes and pluckers than backstage at La Cage Aux Folles.


I am all set for something with this razor sharpener and all these brushes and pluckers.


I think it is called drag.