I Can't Write a Title Tonight.

I went out this evening with my digital camera to film a New York street scene for the blog as I am feeling it is good to just go and out teach myself these things and try them out on you. I am going to face my fears of filmmaking with or without the sold out Flip Mino. I thought that I would be self-conscious talking to myself in the street walking with a digital camera. I was not. It was easy once I realized that it all just doesn't matter and no one really cares as they are too busy with their own lives to even notice a wink. I was right.

Then I saw two friends, Mark and Phil, on the Upper West Side. They told me our friend Bo died this morning. Simple as that. I am still so shocked by this news and this is where blogging gets funny for me. Something so personal, so sudden and so confusing and I work it out in cyberspace?

He died unexpectedly from a clot in his leg that was not even a thought a day or so ago. He was 39 and healthy and just the sweetest man. Dammit. So I was going to talk street scenes and now I am eulogizing. That is messed up. He was loving and crazy and full of the greatest take on life I have to say. He worked at the MAC counter at Macy's and was passionate about skin. MY skin. He came to my house a few months back and gave me a facial and told me to get Vitamin E oil. Quick! He gave me products.

I met Bo through our mutual friend Brad who is in Los Angeles and was so kind to hook me up with people for my arrival in NYC. I met Bo and his partner Andy almost immediately. I went up to their way cool rooftop apartment they just bought and moved into right when I got here in October. It breaks my heart to think about what Andy is going through right now. Just plucked right out of life. Just plucked.

I can't even believe I am doing this diary entry and he is not gone 24 hours. I used the shaving cream he gave me this weekend and was going to e-mail him to ask him what the other two jars were as I forgot and could not read what I wrote on the sticker. I was going to write him. I did not. Not yet. Too late.

The worst of this few hours aftermath was having to call Brad and tell him his partner in crime is gone. I so wish I could be there as I am sure it is going to be tough on him. This is true, painful, hole-deep and black-empty, loss.

If I had to air my thoughts I air them in tribute and I send Andy and the family wishes heartfelt and pure. It is almost like laying flowers by the telephone pole where the freak accident happened. Or writing on a memorial wall by the house. I use this here to do this same thing.

But I cannot yet miss or mourn someone I cannot see as gone. Bo. Your white shirts and your few day's growth. Your smile. I am not sure that it is not there. I am so sorry. So sorry.