Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Wrong Trousers OR Annie Hall and Chris Farley Had a Baby

17659 Steps

I need new clothes to wear as I pursue my next gig. Wouldn't you know that just like Summer, job hunting does not coincide with the unavailing of my new, svelte body? I am still a BEFORE PICTURE. And who wants to get clothes then? No one! But I will have to drop cash before trou and get something that works for now.

I had planned on going to Century 21 or Filene's to see what I could find in the way of passable chic. But standing right in front of me was my good friend Sean who happens to be a former stylist for GQ. Why not ask him what to do. He took me to Banana Republic and we found really nice light wool trousers that would work perfectly for my meeting, evenings out and maybe even an ice cream social.

Perfect. I won't take them.

Why? Because this was the first place and they were full price. I want to find baggy knock offs at half the quality and price.

Sadly I come from the Maternity Wear for Men school of Fashion. I wear baggy everything. Annie Hall and Chris Farley had a baby. The saggier the ass the more at home I am. Clothes that will age me ten years? Count me in! My old boss said straight guys are afraid to wear clothes that fit. Going with his theory, I am downright Kinsey 0. I guess he didn't factor in gay guys with no taste.

Anyway, the waist size on this template pair was too big and the salesperson suggested I try down. What? I want to go up! They didn't have down so we went to another Banana on 5th Avenue. We walked the few blocks and I thought how there was a Weight Watchers leader getting their wings right at this very moment. A Waist Size Down. Music to me arse. Well, sadly not really.

They had my size and the pants looked great. I was up on the wooden stand with the three-sided mirror looking all Leslie Ann Warren ready to go. If this were a reality show and Sean were the host I would be the duckling/swan who burst into inappropriate tears at wearing proper-fitting clothing. I want to, I see that it looks way better, but I feel safer in my Burka by Dockers. But America applauds and I acquiesce.

And the pants, unlike in the other store, were on SALE. A word that crosses all weight classes. Sean had brought me to where I needed to be and I held out my hand with the plastic and said "Shaquanda, I'll take 'em."

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