Mom died 5 years ago today. That is amazing to me. Isn't it? Aren't we supposed to go, "Wow, I can't believe it has been (______) years!" But I guess I don't know if I really feel any of that.
Do I miss her? Yes, my heart aches with sadness still over her not being here. That will never transfer properly to paper, but it is like I am permanently altered in a way that before this day 5 years ago I was not.
What does amaze me is what has happened in the last 5 years that Mom was not here for. She missed out on so much! But that is death. Yes, I could go with the "she is watching down on us" as her grandchildren (two of whom she never met) grow and I moved to New York and technology moved on and newstories happened and films premiered. I want to believe that, but I don't. The woman I talk to "up there" is me mixed with some of the energy I ascribe to her. I wish she could hear me. In fact I even asked her to send me a sign before she died!
I was fortunate to be here in SF for a day, well Colma (the town where SF goes to after death!) really, on the eve of the anniversary of her death. I know that the headstone is just a marker where her bones lie, but I allow myself the comfort of using this place here as a quiet place in which to think of my parents.
But then again they are everywhere in me. Dad is with me always in New York and mom in my bagpipes and both of them in my expressions and siblings. I have a cup of tea and Mum is there. I go in front of a crowd and there is Dad. They will never be gone, yet they will never return.
I miss them. And I am glad I knew them.
